The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration, family traditions, and meaningful memories. But for divorced or separated parents, they can also become one of the most complicated parts of a custody agreement.
Who gets Christmas morning? What happens at Thanksgiving? Does one parent get the children for Hanukkah while the other celebrates Christmas? If so, does that parent get 8 days of Hannukah? What if one parent observes Ramadan and Eid while the other celebrates Easter? Many parenting plans follow a familiar formula: Mom gets a holiday in even-numbered years, Dad gets it in odd-numbered years. But what happens when the parents don't celebrate the same holidays? Does it really make sense to alternate Christmas when only one parent celebrates it?
Under California family law, parents generally have flexibility to develop holiday parenting arrangements that reflect their family's religious traditions, provided the arrangements are consistent with the children's best interests and applicable custody orders. Sometimes, the most practical solution isn't alternating holidays at all.
Does California Law Require Parents to Alternate Holidays?
No. California does not require divorced parents to alternate every holiday. Although alternating major holidays is common in custody agreements, it is not the only option. Parents can negotiate holiday schedules that reflect their family's particular circumstances, including different religious beliefs, cultural traditions, travel requirements, and the children's established routines. For example, one parent may celebrate Christmas while the other celebrates Hanukkah.
Rather than alternating Christmas each year, the parents might agree that the children will spend Christmas with the parent who celebrate it and Hanukkah with the other parent. However, this does not mean that parent gets 8 straight days, and this is usually not the case. A similar arrangement might work for families celebrating Easter and Eid, Christmas and Diwali, or other religious observances. Of course, holiday dates sometimes overlap, and different traditions may involve multiple days of celebration. The details still require thoughtful planning. The important point is that fairness doesn't necessarily mean dividing every holiday in half. Sometimes fairness means recognizing that different holidays have different significance to each family.
What If Both Parents Want the Children for Their Religious Celebrations?
This is where things can become more complicated. Imagine one parent celebrates Christmas and the other celebrates Hanukkah. On the surface, it may seem easy to give each parent their respective holiday. But what if Hanukkah overlaps with Christmas? What if one parent celebrates Christmas Eve with extended family while the other has an important religious gathering that same evening? What if the children have grown up participating in both traditions and want to continue doing so?
A thoughtful parenting plan should address these possibilities before they become disputes. Parents might divide portions of overlapping holidays, establish priority for particular religious observances, or create alternative arrangements when celebrations conflict. The goal should be to preserve meaningful traditions without forcing children into unnecessary conflict between their parents.
Can a Parent Insist That Their Child Celebrate Their Religion?
Religious upbringing can be a sensitive issue in California custody cases. Parents generally have constitutional protections involving religious freedom, and California courts do not simply favor one religion over another. However, the existing legal custody order matters. Legal custody addresses the authority to make important decisions concerning a child's upbringing, including education and certain religious decisions.
When parents share joint legal custody, disagreements about significant aspects of a child's religious upbringing may require careful attention to the terms of their custody order. A parent generally should not assume that having physical custody during a particular holiday gives them unlimited authority to make major decisions about the child's religious upbringing.
At the same time, courts ordinarily do not intervene simply because parents practice different religions or expose their children to different religious traditions. The relevant legal analysis becomes more complicated when there are specific concerns about harm to the child, conflicts with existing orders, or interference with the other parent's rights. Different religious beliefs alone do not mean parents cannot successfully share custody.
What About Children Who Have Grown Up Celebrating Both Religions?
Many interfaith families raise children with exposure to more than one religious tradition. A child may celebrate Christmas with one side of the family and Hanukkah with the other. They may attend Easter services with one parent and participate in Ramadan or Eid celebrations with the other. These experiences may be deeply connected to the child's identity, grandparents, extended family, and sense of belonging.
Divorce doesn't necessarily mean those traditions have to disappear. In fact, maintaining familiar celebrations may provide valuable continuity during a period when so much else in a child's life is changing. Parents should consider which traditions the children have historically observed, which celebrations are particularly meaningful, and how those experiences can continue without creating unnecessary tension. The goal should not be to make children choose between their parents' beliefs. It should be to allow them to maintain meaningful family connections whenever appropriate.
Why Traditional Alternating-Holiday Schedules Don't Always Work
Alternating holidays can be an effective solution for many families. But it can also create unnecessary complications when parents celebrate different religious holidays. Consider a father who celebrates Christmas and a mother who celebrates Hanukkah. Under a traditional alternating schedule, the father might have the children for Christmas only every other year even though the mother does not celebrate Christmas.
Meanwhile, the mother may lose meaningful time with the children during Hanukkah because the regular custody schedule happens to place them with their father. Both parents may end up missing celebrations that are important to them, even though a more customized arrangement could accommodate both traditions.
A better approach may be to identify which holidays are most meaningful to each parent and build the schedule around those priorities. That doesn't mean every religious holiday automatically belongs to the parent who observes it. Children's needs, overlapping dates, existing family traditions, and the overall parenting arrangement still matter. But it does mean parents should consider whether a conventional schedule is serving their family.
Don't Forget the Holidays That Move Every Year
One frequently overlooked issue is that religious holidays don't always fall on the same calendar date. Hanukkah, Passover, Ramadan, Eid al-Fitr, Eid al-Adha, Diwali, and other observances may shift from year to year on the Gregorian calendar. Some observances also begin at sundown, while others involve multiple days or religious services at specific times.
A custody agreement that simply assigns a fixed date may not work. Parents may want to identify holidays by name rather than relying solely on calendar dates. For example, a parenting plan might specify that one parent has parenting time during a particular religious observance, with clearly defined start and end times. It should also address what happens if the holiday overlaps with school, a regularly scheduled custody exchange, another holiday, or an important family event. The more specific the agreement, the less room there may be for misunderstandings later.
What If One Parent Doesn't Celebrate Religious Holidays at All?
Another common situation involves one parent who practices a religion and another who is secular or does not observe religious holidays. Does the religious parent automatically receive those holidays? Not necessarily. A parent who doesn't practice a particular religion may still value Christmas as a family tradition, for example, or want to spend time with children during winter break.
Holiday parenting time isn't determined solely by religious affiliation. Parents should consider the significance of the celebration to each household, the children's existing traditions, and the overall fairness and practicality of the schedule. A parent's religious beliefs (or lack of religious beliefs) should not automatically determine their entitlement to parenting time.
Five Things to Include in an Interfaith Holiday Parenting Plan
When parents celebrate different religious traditions, a customized holiday schedule may help prevent future disagreements. Consider addressing these five issues:
1. Identify the holidays that matter most to each parent.
Don't assume that every holiday carries equal significance. Discuss religious observances, cultural celebrations, and extended-family traditions.
2. Define when each holiday begins and ends.
This is particularly important for holidays that begin at sundown, involve multiple days, or change dates annually.
3. Establish what happens when holidays overlap.
A clear agreement can prevent last-minute disputes when religious observances coincide.
4. Consider the children's established traditions.
Children may have meaningful relationships with both religions, extended families, and cultural communities. Their needs should remain central.
5. Explain how holiday parenting time interacts with the regular custody schedule.
Specify whether holiday time takes priority over ordinary parenting time and when the regular schedule resumes. A carefully written agreement can provide flexibility while reducing opportunities for conflict.
What If Your Existing Custody Order Requires Alternating Holidays?
If your current custody order requires alternating holidays, you should not simply disregard it because you believe a different arrangement would make more sense. Parents can often agree to changes, but those changes should be properly documented and, when appropriate, incorporated into a new court order. If the parents cannot agree, a parent may seek a modification through the family court. However, if there is not an agreement to change the order, that is what controls.
Whether a modification is appropriate will depend on the circumstances, the existing order, and the child's best interests. This is an area where experienced legal guidance can be particularly helpful. A parenting plan that worked when children were very young (or when parents lived together) may no longer reflect the family's needs several years later.
The Holidays Shouldn't Be a Competition
One of the most unfortunate consequences of divorce is that celebrations intended to bring families together can become sources of conflict. Parents may begin measuring fairness by counting hours, overnights, or which household gets the more desirable dates. But children don't necessarily experience holidays that way. They remember traditions. They remember grandparents, cousins, favorite meals, religious services, decorations, songs, and time spent together. They remember when the adults around them are arguing.
When parents practice different religions, there may be an opportunity to create a parenting plan that respects both traditions rather than treating every holiday as something to be won or lost. At Moore Schulman & Moore, APC, our experienced California family law attorneys help parents develop custody and holiday arrangements that reflect their family's circumstances while keeping children's best interests at the center of the discussion.
Whether you're creating your first parenting plan or revisiting an existing holiday schedule, understanding your options before disagreements arise can make the season more enjoyable for everyone. Because the goal isn't for each parent to win the holidays. It's for children to enjoy the traditions, relationships, and memories that make those holidays meaningful.
This article provides general information about California family law and is not intended as legal advice for any individual matter.