Divorce is difficult. Co-parenting after divorce can be even more especially when the relationship between parents remains hostile or unproductive. While many former couples find a way to collaborate for the sake of their children, there are situations where communication breaks down entirely. In those cases, the involvement of a neutral third party, called a parenting coordinator, can be critical.
As a family law attorney, I often tell clients: “The best use for a parenting coordinator is when parents truly can't co-parent. Where you get into a situation where it's so high conflict that it's spilling over into the kids, because kids are very perceptive. And as much as you think you're shielding them from the conflict, they see it. They see it when you don't even think they see it.”
What Is a Parenting Coordinator?
A parenting coordinator (PC) is a mental health or legal professional. They often have experience in child development, family systems, and dispute resolution. They can be hi8red by the parents or appointed by the court to assist high-conflict parents in implementing or complying with parenting plans. Unlike a mediator, a PC may be given limited decision-making authority, depending on court orders or agreements between the parties.
The main role of a PC is to help parents reduce conflict by guiding their communication, clarifying expectations, resolving minor disputes, and always focusing on the best interests of the child.
When Is a Parenting Coordinator Necessary?
In amicable or moderately contentious divorces, co-parenting may require time, patience, and structure but not necessarily intervention. However, in the following circumstances, bringing in a parenting coordinator may be a necessary step:
Ongoing, High-Conflict Interactions
Some parents cannot have a conversation without it turning into a heated argument. These dynamics often persist long after the divorce is finalized. The conflict may involve accusations, yelling, passive-aggressive communication, or complete avoidance. As I’ve seen in many cases, this can deeply affect children.
"If you get into a situation where you truly can't co-parent and it is very high conflict, and you don't see eye to eye on anything and you can't communicate cordially, then that's the time that you want to get a third party involved that can help bring down the tone for your kid's sake."
Children Are Being Impacted by the Conflict
One of the most important indicators that a parenting coordinator is needed is when the conflict starts spilling over into the children’s emotional and psychological wellbeing. Children may express anxiety, withdraw socially, act out, or feel as though they’re caught in the middle. Even when parents think they are keeping their disagreements private, children often pick up on the tension.
As I often remind clients, “Kids are very perceptive. As much as you think you're shielding them from the conflict, they see it.” Protecting them means minimizing the opportunities for ongoing conflict to fester.
Repeated Litigation Over Parenting Issues
If you and your co-parent find yourselves frequently back in court to address minor disagreements about holiday schedules, school decisions, or extracurricular activities, this can indicate an inability to problem-solve without a neutral party. In these cases, a PC can help resolve disputes quickly and informally, reducing both legal expenses and emotional stress.
Inability to Make Joint Decisions
When parents can’t make even the smallest decision together, such as what extracurricular activity a child should join or which pediatrician to use, a PC can help bridge the gap. Their job isn’t to take sides but to guide both parents toward mutually acceptable solutions or, in some cases, make a binding recommendation based on the child’s best interest.
Concerns About Consistency and Structure
Children thrive on routine. When parents fail to follow parenting plans consistently, or when schedules are used as a means to control or punish the other parent, a parenting coordinator can enforce boundaries and expectations. This not only eases tension but also helps children feel more secure.
Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator
A parenting coordinator provides:
- Real-time problem-solving to reduce court involvement and save money
- Neutral oversight to prevent manipulation or escalation
- Improved communication coaching and accountability
- Focus on the child’s needs, not the parents' grievances
In my experience, having a trusted third party to manage the emotional turbulence between two high-conflict parents can dramatically improve co-parenting outcomes. It’s not about “winning” or “being right”; it is about supporting your child’s growth in a stable and peaceful environment.
Neutral 3rd Party Keeps Parenting Kids-First Focused
No parent wants to admit they need help co-parenting. But in high-conflict cases, avoiding that reality can do more harm than good, especially for the children involved.
If you find yourself in a situation where every interaction with your co-parent turns into a battle, or if your child is showing signs of stress due to ongoing parental conflict, it may be time to consider working with a parenting coordinator. Sometimes, the best way to protect your child is to bring in a neutral voice that can restore calm and structure where chaos has taken root.
As always, your family law attorney can help assess whether a parenting coordinator is appropriate in your case and guide you through the process of appointing one.